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Old 12-13-2011, 02:48 PM   #91
RMRanger
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Music Jokes


Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!
Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.
Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.
Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.
Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.
Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.
Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:20 AM   #92
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Idiot Number One
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:32 PM   #93
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Great Quote!

Deer Hunting Story...even if you don't care about hunting...Gotta Love
Ted!


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being
Interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The
Discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do
You think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot
Him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
Brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
They care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to
Screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much
Like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.
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Old 02-04-2013, 09:32 PM   #94
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Thank you pogo

IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS!!!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:55 PM   #95
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The Fence Test
You can't get any more accurate than this!
This is straight forward country thinking.. by Jeff Foxworthy
Which side of the fence?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.
If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".
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Old 06-07-2013, 04:55 PM   #96
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:50 PM   #97
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
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Old 07-05-2013, 04:34 PM   #98
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You know the honeymoon is over, when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...think 25 to life would be appropriate?
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:04 PM   #99
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