Joke Thread

[Doz]

This is for my Friend Bill that has a wife that knows everything

[Doz]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have ?

Customer: A white one.


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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disk out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button ?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good - I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute. I haven't inserted it yet - it's still on my desk. Sorry.


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Tech support: ; Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left ?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you ?

Male customer: Hello. I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates..


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it.


==============

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer ?

Customer: Ooooh! Thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am ?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?

Customer: No I'm not.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK !

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you ?

Customer: Yes.

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard ?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work.


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password ?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was ?

Customer: Five asterisks.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use ?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you ?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem ?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it ?


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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows ?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.


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And last but not least...


Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean ?

Tech support: 'P' - on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !

[Doz]

A Friend sent this to me

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a
sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.

Thank you for shopping at
Costco!

[Doz]

[RMRanger]

Amazing Anagrams

---

Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. This is a list of some pretty dam good ones, obviously there are people out there with way too much time on their hands.
Lets have a look at them...

"Dormitory" - Dirty Room
"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It
"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots
"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em
"Animosity" - Is No Amity
"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler
"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's
"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class
"Semolina" - Is No Meal
"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place
"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake
"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one
"Contradiction" - Accord not in it
"George Bush" - He bugs Gore

Here are some big daddy ones...

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

"President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

[RMRanger]

Tongue Twisters

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We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

---

Try saying these 10 times fast...
Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Ship Shape Shitheads

[RMRanger]

Oxymoron's

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Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service

[RMRanger]

Mind Benders

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These aren't necessarily jokes, but they are so weird that you'll probably just start laughing after you read them anyway. That is until you start racking your brain trying to figure out how they work out how they do!

---

3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak. At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it to the waitress. She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back." So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.

Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27. The waitress kept $2. This totals $29. Where did the last dollar go?

---

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

---

Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out.

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...
6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.

[RMRanger]

Elevator Fun

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Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!

[RMRanger]

Internet Addict

---

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.